-== THE SKINHEAD HAMLET ==-

ACT 1 SCENE 1

(The battlements of Elsinore Castle)
(Enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST.)

GHOST:   Oi! Mush!
HAMLET:  Yer?
GHOST:   I was fucked!
   (Exit GHOST)
HAMLET:  O fuck.
   (Exit HAMLET.)


SCENE II

(The Throneroom.)
(Enter KING CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, HAMLET and COURT.)

CLAUDIUS:  Oi! You, Hamlet, give over!
HAMLET:    Fuck off, won't you?
   (Exit CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, COURT.)
HAMLET:     (Alone) They could have fucking waited.
   (Enter HORATIO)
HORATIO:   Oi! Whatcha cock!
HAMLET:     Weeeeey!
   (Exeunt)


SCENE III

(Ophelia's Bedroom.)
(Enter Ophelia and Laertes.)

LAERTES:   I'm fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you 
           one while I'm gone.
OPHELIA:   I'll be fucked if he does.
   (Exeunt.)


SCENE IV

(The Battlements.)
(Enter HORATIO, HAMLET, and GHOST.)

GHOST:   Oi! Mush, get on with it!
HAMLET:   Who did it then?
GHOST:   That wanker Claudius. He poured fucking poison in my 
         fucking ear!
HAMLET:  Fuck me!
   (Exeunt.)


ACT II SCENE 1

(A corridor in the castle.)
(Enter HAMLET reading. Enter POLONIUS)

POLON:  Oi! You!
HAMLET:  Fuck off, grandad!
   (Exit POLON. Enter ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN.)
RO & GUILD:  Oi! Oi! Mucca!
HAMLET:   Fuck off, the pair of you!
   (Exit ROS and GUILD.)
HAMLET:   (Alone) To fuck or be fucked.
OPHELIA: My Lord!
HAMLET:  Fuck off to a nunnery!
   (They exit in different directions.)


ACT III SCENE I

(The Throne Room)
(Enter PLAYERS and all COURT.)

PLAYER:   Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart...
CLAUDIUS: I'll be fucked if I watch any more of this crap.
   (Exeunt)


SCENE II

(Gertrude's Bedchamber.)
(Enter HAMLET, to GERTRUDE.)

HAMLET:    Oi! Slag!
GERTRUDE: Watch your fucking mouth, kid!
POLON:    (From behind the curtain) Too right.
HAMLET:    Who the fuck was that?
   (He stabs POLONIUS through the arras.)
POLON:    Fuck!
HAMLET:    Fuck! I thought it was that other wanker.
   (Exeunt.)


ACT IV SCENE 1

(A Court Room)

CLAUDIUS: Fuck off to England then!
HAMLET:   Delighted, mush.


SCENE II

(The Throne Room.)
(OPHELIA, GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS.)
OPHELIA:   Here, cop a whack of this.
   (She hands GERTRUDE some rosemary and exits.)
CLAUDIUS:  She's fucking round the twist, isn't she?
GERTRUDE:   (looking out the window) There is a willow grows 
           aslant the brook.
CLAUDIUS:  Get on with it, slag.
GERTRUDE:  Ophelia's gone and fucking drowned!
CLAUDIUS:  Fuck! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.
   (Exeunt.)


SCENE III

(A Corridor)

LAERTES:  (Alone) I'm going to fucking do this lot.
   (enter CLAUDIUS.)
CLAUDIUS:  I didn't fucking do it, mate. It was that wanker, Hamlet.
LAERTES:   Well, fuck him.


ACT V SCENE 1

(Hamlet's Bedchamber.)
(HAMLET and HORATIO seated.)

HAMLET:   I got this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and 
         you know, I couldn't give a flying fuck.
   (Exeunt.)


SCENE II

(Large Hall.)
(Enter HAMLET, LAERTES, COURT, GERTRUDE, and CLAUDIUS.)

LAERTES:  Oi, wanker. Let's get on with it.
HAMLET:   Delighted, fuckface.
   (They fight and are poisoned by the poisoned sword.)
LAERTES:  Fuck!
HAMLET:   Fuck!
   (The QUEEN drinks.)
GERTRUDE: Fucking odd wine!
CLAUDIUS: You drunk the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow!
HAMLET:   (Pouring the poison down CLAUDIUS' throat) Well, fuck you!
CLAUDIUS: I'm fair and squarely fucked.
LAERTES:  Oi, mush. No hard feelings, eh?
HAMLET:    Yer.
   (LAERTES dies)
HAMLET:   Oi! Horatio!
HORATIO:  Yer?
HAMLET:    I'm fucked. The rest is fucking silence.
   (HAMLET dies)
HORATIO:  Fuck! That was no ordinary wanker, you know.
   (enter FORTINBRAS.)
FORTIN:   What the fuck's going on here?
HORATIO:  A fucking mess, that's for sure.
FORTIN:   No kidding. I see Hamlet's fucked.
HORATIO:  Yer.
FORTIN:   Fucking shame. Fucking good bloke.
HORATIO:  Too fucking right.
FORTIN:   Fuck this for a lark then. Let's piss off.
   (Exeunt with alarums.)

(END)